Getting really tired...

I don't remember the last time I posted a Blog. I don’t even know if people even read it or find it interesting. But I don't really mind as this Blog helps me to put my thoughts in front of me and see what exactly I have been thinking and what I'm going through.

Every day, I sit in the class, looking at the clock ticking, yet the time is staying still. Not moving forward. Everyone is happy, talking with their friends, yet I'm there alone. Not moving forward. Is this what life is about? My life? I sit still trying to pay attention to the teacher. I see his lips moving, but I can't hear him... I can't hear him due to the noises is my head. Those noises telling me that I'm a failure. I can't do anything. I am worthless. I sit there, no one notices me. I look at the clock again, I thought maybe at least fifteen minutes has passed, but no. Only two minutes has been passed since I last checked the clock.

Tick tock. Tick tock. I sit alone, not talking. I look around; everyone is surrounded by their friends. Yet I'm sitting here with only my thoughts. Not moving forward. I yawn. I look towards the window, it's raining. The gloomy weather impersonating me. Yet it is not to entertain others, it's just there like me. Will things change? I doubt it. Everyday waking up is a big task for me. Getting up to go to college, where I will follow the same cycle again. Doing work and going to my lessons. I'm getting really tired. My anxiety is back; my depression has taken over me. I'm not myself any more. I'm someone else.

My teacher says some people look up to me because I'm smart and do my work on time. When he said that, I laughed. Not because I was happy, but because I couldn't imagine it. Either way, it doesn't matter. I just don't want to be seen. I want to hide in the dark so that when the teacher asks us to discuss something, I could just curl in a ball and hide in a hole so that I don't have to socialise with others. Every day, I see myself drifting away from other people. It's as if I am not on Earth any more. It's as if I'm just skin and bones and flesh with no soul. 

I think a lot. I think what if I'm not here anymore. What if I'm dead? Will anyone think about me? Will anyone remember me? Each day passes by like a gush of wind trying to take me away from reality. Trying to blow me with himself and knocking me down on the ground, making me weep. I cry. I wish. I dream. Nothing happens. I thought going to college would mean I will get to start over. Start over... with new friends, make new memories, make changes. But no. It was all just a pathetic dream of mine. I'm getting really tired; I don't want to try any more. 

One of my teachers told me that if I fail at something, I should get motivated to do more so I can achieve higher! But no, it doesn't help at all. I try my best to look at the positive, but I just can't. 

All the motivation is gone down the drain. Every day I wish I could be a different person. Not shy, not anxious and not depressed! I want to be confident; I want to be out there experiencing all the things others are experiencing as well! I want to be brave and take risks. But no. I don't. I can't. You know why? It is because I'm a loser. I won't be able to do anything at all. I just sit in the class listening to the teacher, trying my best to fade in the background so that no one will notice me! 

Most of my teachers ask me why I missed a lesson twice in a row. Why didn't I attend their class and why didn't I do their homework. I just can't help it. I try my best to get up and just get on with my day. I try to make myself seem happy and positive. But I fail each time. I know that my teachers judge me; they think I have it easy. If they even for one day had to put themselves in my shoes, they would know how hard it is. How hard it is when You can't even speak up for yourself. How hard it is when You have not got any friends to turn to when you want to talk. How hard it is to be alone at lunch time, all by Yourself in the corner. They don't know anything, yet they still ask me "Why didn't you come to the lesson?" "Why have you been missing most your lessons?" 

Getting really tired... of Life!